It's still morning. I sit in front of my computer and my newsletter outline feeling empty; blank. I feel the overwhelm of the past 6 weeks and the past weekend that has crept over me and is lingering in the pathways if my thoughts. My mind is connected to my heart but the two are in bitter disagreement. I now understand a little why people make drastic and sudden changes in their lives - though others say "they must have snapped", I think its probably untrue. People can only take so much before they come to a point where they need their heart and head to agree, to get-along peacefully. The struggle is real. I've been at a point where I've daydreamed about throwing it all away and starting over - though I know I probably won't because my heart cares more for others than it does itself; it cares about everyone 's happiness more than its own. My mind and heart are in disagreement.
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Over the past 6 years I have been anxious and unsettled with self-inflicted stress. I say self-inflicted because whatever actions I'm taking to create change and a better life aren't working. I have let situations follow me to my present state of being. This is how it happened. Just over seven years ago I went through a long-term relationship break-up which was too closely followed by a so-called friendship with an individual that I wish to keep unnamed and undescribed for reasons being they don't deserve to be in my life ever again. These two situations took a toll on my emotions and the latter took a toll on my mind, body, spirit and self-worth; my spirit was most definitely broken - damaged. After finally shaking this situation out of my life, I took a nice breather ; I became calm and started getting to know myself for all that I went through in my life and for who I had grown to be. I felt peaceful for the first time ever. That peace brought me into 2009 and I was happy with who I was and where I was planning on going. I had come to an agreement with myself that no one will ever take care of me except me so I had better start giving a damn about myself - to the point where I was going to buy myself a promise ring . I have not done that yet but it's still in my plan. I have the exact ring picked out I just don't have the $$ to do it yet. Fast-forward to the end of month six of peacefulness, I met up with a high school 'date', whom I dated to two months way back when. We enjoyed each others company, though I stated without hesitation that I was not looking for a relationship; friendship would be enough for me at the moment. I'm not sure what happened to self-preservation but I let it go once again and moved away from the town I knew for 20 years to a brand new start with this person. It seemed like the logical thing to do even if it didn't have the feel of finally being home. This move brought on a whole new mixed bag of emotions. I lost the negative people in my life back there, (good!) but I also lost my friends, I lost my quick trip to the ocean, I lost my bearings, I lost myself again. Since then I have been trying to fill the space with schooling to be a nutritional health coach and starting my coaching business which has been very difficult. This slightly introverted and shy being feels cornered - trapped. This feeling brings on anxiety and sometimes a sharp tongue to the one person I see daily. I realize it's not fair and I'm sorry for lashing out; I'm working on improving. Most recently it has hit me that quiet seclusion is part of my growth and healing. God has given me the opportunity to breathe, to catch my breath, reflect and learn. He has given me the space to get to know Him and to grow my self-awareness. This time has been given to me to heal from my past and to unfold my gifts so that I may use them as I move forward. This time that I've been given is to be used to pay-it-forward in helping others. I'm growing and I have so much hope, love and God's grace. I'm here for you should you need me; just reach out! In love and light, Dawn Winter in New England is pretty unpredictable; weather in New England is unpredictable any time of the year as a matter of fact. As I write, snow is blowing steady and it's extremely cold outside. I'm finding it hard to embrace the thought of snow removal when the storm is over, but I try to keep my chin up. When being outside is limited because of the season, it's easy to feel sad, to feel lonely, to feel disconnected especially if you work from home. You find yourself alone with your thoughts and if you don't keep those instigators in line, they can get out of control. Keep yourself busy, there are no doubt many things you can do indoors that you put off in exchange for being outside in the sunshine. Save up for those sunny days by getting your inside work done now. Be still with yourself and feel how being in the moment feels. Set goals for yourself and list various ways you can reach them. Read the books you've been putting off. Start a new hobby or craft. See how it allows you to express yourself differently. Begin working on yourself - see how outside help (a coach like myself) can benefit your personal growth. Reflect on yesterday just briefly, look forward to tomorrow, and be in today; be here now. Be happy - Be grateful - Be hopeful - Be You Annual physicals - no one loves them but you don't need to dread them either. As a health coach, I walk my talk; I eat healthy and my physicals typically go without incident as was the case today. Sure, I could be a little more physically active but I'm on the right track!
The weather today is incredible mild for February 1st. I believe the thermometer in my car reached 54° which in my area is pretty nice. What little snow we have on the ground is slowly melting away although it's not too late for a major storm, I'll take what we have going on now. I've become less of a fan of snow in the past 6 years. Colder weather and snow also limits outdoor time, which I prefer to be outdoors moving than inside sedentary - not to mention the dogs prefer being outside as well. As the day closes, I'm deciding on another healthy and comforting meal for dinner the involves bay scallops, lemon, leafy greens and perhaps some type of whole grain such as millet or farro. Choose to be healthy. Choose to have guidance - drop me a line if you're interested in your own personal health coach; you can reach me at [email protected] I'm here; not absent, not avoiding. I'm here now, I've been 'in the now' lately and it's all good. I've also been writing more in my journal - pen & ink - than online. I've kept journals since 1995; I'm on #8 and nearly to the end of it. Journal writing is a healthy way to get your thoughts out, to get things off your chest, to remember good times, to share times in your life well after you're gone if you choose to. Being in a 'funk' and getting out of it is completely up to you (or me), it's our individual choice to be happy or not. Being happy by choice doesn't mean that you have to love your current situation. Choosing happiness in a less than desirable situation helps your to move forward and through the situation. Hanging on to sadness just pulls you in deeper. Doing something about your sadness puts change in motion. It may be a long road but standing still won't bring you anywhere but down. Being here now, being present where you are at this very moment is where you're mean to be...but not meant to stay. Finding goodness from this moment, each being in the moment, helps you to grow, appreciate, cultivate and release. It's okay to look back but just for a moment; it's okay to look forward - so to see where you're going, but be sure to see where you are, be where you are. Give yourself time, love, hope, promise, and truth. Just be and it will all come together as it should. Bringing sunshine into your day - yours truly, Dawn Lately I've been in a funk - something that happens more often than I'd like in the past six years. Yes, winter has a lot to do with it, but it doesn't have everything to do with it. When you are in a good place in your life, you're generally happy and can handle small mishaps gracefully; when you're not completely satisfied with you situation and choices you have made, small mishaps are tougher to handle due to the 'snowball' effect. When you've learned the tools you need in order to overcome hardships, personal frustration, poor decision making and such, it feels like you have the keys to the kingdom - the only thing is you need to use that key gently and timed just right; you can't just bust out (or in) re-staking your claim to independence. If you're like me, you hate hurting anyone's feelings, you hate creating 'waves', and confrontation - in general, you have put most others ahead of yourself, ahead of your own needs, wants, desires, wishes, hopes, dreams... If I've learned anything in life, it's that everything changes and nothing changes. Time changes, weather changes, moods change, cities change, health changes, children grow, people pass...but situations surrounding us don't often change - especially in our favor. Those changes are up to us to make. We are the ones who must do the work to make positive changes for ourselves. No one person can make us happy; it's up to us. No one can break us unless we let them - don't let them. I know this little funk I'm in will pass, but I also know it will return unless I make the changes necessary to stop the gray days and the mind haze. I'm not sure what my first step will be, but I know that I need to make it happen if I want to be in a happier place in life. Life is way too short to stay idle. No one will take care of me but me. And, no one will take care of you but you. I learned long ago to treat others as I wish to be treated. This "rule" is in many different writings the first to my knowledge being in the bible as: "do unto others as you would want others to do unto you". For this reason, I have always treated others with kindness, compassion, caring, respect, and careful attention. I try not to offend, ignore, hurt, degrade, take advantage of or commit any other negative actions against others.
In my lifetime I have also learned that I have trusted those who I shouldn't have, I gave and still give the benefit of the doubt, I forgive too easily, I try hard to please others, I put others' needs before my own, I go out of my way to help and make happy, and I keep repeating these same actions and I get the same results; I get walked on so to speak. When I turned 45, 7 - almost 8 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I was going to finally begin living my life on my terms, I was going to be kind to others as I naturally am but I was also going to be kind to myself. My head was ready for that change but my heart and gut said otherwise. Now at 52, almost 53, I have come to the conclusion that no one will treat me as I treat them, they will keep taking whatever I offer - selfishly. My realization is that others want me to treat them as they treat me. I feel so silly thinking I had it right all these years - maybe. People get to a point where they become broken and mentally exhausted and emotionally drained or beaten; I've come to that point. I have seen too closely that life is far too short to not live it fully. Life doesn't wait until we're ready, it doesn't wait until we overcome whatever is in the way of following our dreams and going after them. Life is too short! I have made a promise to myself again, to start living my life as my own individual, as I have longed to live it; by playing hard, working hard, being kind as I am and always will be but not being taken for granted anymore. Do you have similar or different experiences that you wish to change? What are they? In everything we do, in everything that happens to us and every choice we make there are lessons. It's up to us to finally learn the lessons and move forward through our lives making better the things we have gotten caught up in previously. It's up to us personally to not repeat the same things and expect different results. It's up to us to grow from our experiences. It's up to us to move forward a step at a time and to only look back for reference to see how much we have grown and to make better choices moving forward. To the light within you ~ peace. |
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My name is Dawn. I'm nutritional & lifestyle coach, hairstylist, home cook, writer, blogger, mother, friend. Archives
April 2016
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